By now the phenomenon of black children growing up in homes headed by single mothers is no secret, especially when socioeconomic standing is considered. Nor is this occurrence merely a maliciously skewed statistic aimed at the detriment of intact African American/black families. There many reasons and causes for the lack of fathers present in the familial home in black community. Subsequently I've noticed there are many children who go into adulthood that claim an adult male they had known at some point in time to have been a father figure; dad. However, I think it is sad that so many black children into adulthood wanting father so eagerly that they are willing to claim damn near anyone who had shown them the least bit of affection or interest as a dad. This is not an criticism of why no dad, but what is a dad?
There can never be an excess of love and support in a child's life. Kudos to those who handle there parental responsibilities or who have committed themselves to upbringing of a child that is not biologically their own. But there is a gray area that many men fall into, that cannot truly be defined as fatherhood. They are revered as fathers but fall short of the title. Men who often fall into these categories usually live(d) in close proximity or were affiliated with the mother somehow.
Examples include: Mom's current boyfriend/husband whom she allows or requires the children to call dad. Mom's longest held relationship held during childhood -ultimately this person will be included in hindsight and childhood memories. A man in the neighborhood who: let you hangout at his house, provided solace & security in times of need, on isolated events provided resources such as food or a bit of money, or taught you something.
There is nothing inherently wrong with having an intermittent confidant, a friend, or a non-familial hero as we develop. Most children desire- even need this. But, a dad this does not make! This is a sporadic mentor at best. These are infrequent and non-secure connections. Have you ever heard the phase "Shit or get off the pot"? Fatherhood is not an act of convenience performed whenever the mood strikes, thought occurs, schedule is free, or money is right. It is not always determined by an existing or nonexistent sexual relationship with the mother. If one is gonna to act like a father to a kid known to be is in need, commit to it with a certain level of consistency. If not, this is OK as well. Then, whether presently or years down the line, don't call this person your son or daughter. Do not beat your chest to take credit espousing all the supposed good you did.
Conversely, it is a little pathetic that in recent decades active/committed fathers are so sparse in our community that many people do not truly know what a real dad does or is. Even the scraps of male affection or a play-dad is exalted and cherished. Sometimes the desire for having a father even in adulthood is so great that memories regarding the persons level of involvement is exaggerated. It is fine to be appreciative of the swagger that someone showed you, a lessons taught, or the ear they gave as you developed.
There's something a little janky about this. Play-dads and play offspring hardly consider how the level of consistent mentor-ship and nurturing received will shine through in the individual personality. The kind of person you end up being is influenced by how you were raised by under most circumstances. Mothers are held to a different standard. Mama's baby daddy's maybe, anyone? Appreciate these men for what they were but recognize what they were not. It is not my goal to bemoan the black experience or get into debates about whose at fault for single parenthood. Let us not slowly redefine what fatherhood is by the lowest standard. Props to those who care.
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