Channel surfing the other day, I caught about 2 minutes worth of What Chilli Wants, a reality show about the dating life of Rozanda "Chilli" Thomas from the group TLC. In the scene, a girlfriend of Chilli asks her why she doesn't like dating black guys. Chilli responds by saying that she likes to date men of all races and nationalities. Then she goes into a rant about how black men date outside of their race all the time and yet for black women the idea is much more taboo; the double standard is stupid. This is not a horrible sentiment in and of itself. In theory, it could make for more peaceful society if we could lay down prejudices and mingle a little more. I'm not some jealous black chick and in no way am wholeheartedly against interracial/ cross cultural dating. But let's not be naive. Let's look at other factors at play, that I sometimes think people don't want to see or acknowledge based on their position in the world. Acceptability of physical and cultural features, real and/or perceived racism and tokenism often keep back women from pursuing or accepting romantic relationships with non-black men.
I have heard this particular rant from black men talking about black women, not mention it was the subject of the film starring Sanaa Lathan called Something New. There are many unspoken rules in society that create social stratas, keep people segregated, and that make one group more acceptable than another etc.. Whether rules are meant to be broken, for the sake of the rant isn't an isn't being considered here. Without hashing the cacophony of racism debates, we can simply look at different examples. It's more likely that a white person will get a job over a black person with the same qualifications. In certain situations it more likely that a light complected person will receive greater favor than a dark complected person. Most of us have heard of the paper bag test. When black women become famous it is very common for them to be lightened on every magazine cover or to start lightening their skin themselves and wearing long weaves even if they didn't before. (hell look at Eve, lil Kim, Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, Gabby Sidibe-on the cover of ELLE).
Acceptable Features
There are certain features that are more common to those of west African descent than others: shorter hair, nappy hair, dark skin, broad noses, bigger bodies. All of these thing exist from an evolutionary perspective for a reason. A black women who doesn't have a big torso or cellulite, considered nice and thick by black men would be thought of as chubby and overweight by white guys. So with this said, there are some features considered to be more attractive by the white majority in Western culture. Subsequently, many from the minority will follow a trend of redefined beauty because the image, and everything positive, prosperous, and romantic affiliated with it is shown repeatedly as if something to aspire to or for. Therefore if you are a black women who has some of the characteristics of mainstream beauty or the now mainstream idea for what exotic looks like, you are more likely to be considered pretty enough by other non-black ethnic groups for romantic relationships. (I'm speaking in generalities here, yea every now and then you see white Brian or Greek Daniel kick it with Mfufu, or Shameka.) It is less hassle/more fortuitous (depends on how you look at it) for Chilli with the notoriety of current/former fame, a small frame, with black and native American looks that include long "good hair" to mingle with men from a variety of non-black ethnic backgrounds. Her kind of exotic beauty is more acceptable cross culturally.
Chilli's friend, in contrast, is a big dark complected black women with traditional African American features that include a big nose, big lips, hips etc. She has thick relaxed hair and wears a weave (not the wet& wavy, asian or silky kind) as she tries on her wedding dress talking about how she loves black men. She, on the other hand, although beautiful in her own right is not as acceptable to the masses. The kind of black guy who's marrying her exclusively likes black women. He's accepting of many things that may be considered flaws or peculiarities by other men. True, there are many black guys who simply love women and they can appreciate the shape, color and size of all; they happily vacillate between interracial and relationships with black women. All other considerations excluded, typically the guy who likes the Hattie McDaniel/Precious/Sista Girl type REALLY likes black women. It is not as common to see white Brian or Greek Daniel with this kind of black chick.
Sure we all want a person with a great personality and intellect. The point here is not to reduce the laws of attraction completely down to physical features, although they play a significant role. In terms of attraction, men and women don't necessarily look for the same qualities in the opposite sex. Women look for strength, masculinity, ability to provide and other traits that are more easily transferable and seen across the male sex. Simply and harshly put, that's why it's easier for black guys to date women of all races; the pool is bigger because points of desirability differ by gender. When we think of beauty and reproduction in terms of living organisms, we think of women. Eye color, hair color, length and texture, skin tone, and body type are taken into account when we think of physical beauty. Black women don't always fit into the mold of classical beauty that can transcend race the way desired male characteristics can. Ergo, women of color are not always considered beautiful unless they have some characteristics that are striking and parallel a persons cultural or local concept of femininity.
Tokenism & Sympathy
I have dated people of other races and nationalities than my own and have come know that I don't like being the first black women someone has dated. I don't like being someones indulgence of curiosity or science project. Most women want to feel special when they are with someone. Being a constant excursion from the norm in someones eyes gets to be old after a while, especially when they feel like they are complimenting you. I find that hair length & texture and body shape seem to be the point of curiosity while dating non-black men. I have had person complement me on having big lips. Amongst other black people my lips are generally not perceived to be big at all. But now every time we hook up my features are showcased according to a non-black assessment: big lips, big lips, big lips. I've had men ask me why don't I let my hair grow out longer, when in reality my hair simply stops close to the shoulder no matter how well it is cared for. This, they don't understand and for half a second seem a little bummed out by.
Ultimately this is the annoying part of interracial dating, sometimes you end up explaining why you and your people are a certain way. I always question people that love to tell you that their boyfriend is black or that their girlfriend is Brazilian. Not only are you betokening this person, but simply because they are different than you doesn't make them a prize for me. The fact that one is in a interractial relationship doesn't mean that all of a sudden neither party has the capacity to be racist. I see mixed couples in public all the time say to one another crazy, hurtful things that are meant to embarrass when angry. "Shut your nappy ass up!" or black this, black that, I've heard people being called by supposed love ones. When a black women walks by this scenario and screw faces the both of them, contrary to popular douchebag opinion it CERTAINLY doesn't come from a place of jealousy. It comes from the place of WTF? or how could you take that kind of shit off of him/her, or the place of questioning a persons self respect.
Black women with any sense feel more sympathetic to the lost soul, need for a certain image, or Uncle Tommery than jealousy or attraction for these men and these relationships. Sure you will always have jealous haters that question why he/she is with her/him, but this extends across the board to all spectated relationships. Unfortunately, some women jump the gun. At times they make the assumption that the black half of the mixed couple must dealing with a similar conscious or unconscious racism, rejection and/or suspicion that they may have experienced in previous interactions with those from other racial backgrounds, particularly whites. Or like someone with PTSD, they quickly refer to every pitiful, self-loathing black guy who has said that "it's just preference" they don't/ won't date within their race. With this heightened sensitivity some women automatically heckle, or make incorrect/unjustified postulations about the couple. Again, this isn't jealousy, it comes from a different place.
Harmony?
There's nothing wrong with cultural solidarity or wanting to be close to/grow with someone who has had similar experiences in life as you. Since most humans want to grow families, isn't his optimal? Pro me/us doesn't automatically mean that I am anti you. In addition to all of the previous issues stated above, black women take comfort in seemingly knowing the come from of a black man. Knowing or at least feeling that they will not at some point become a token of sorts, or will encounter unconscious racism adds another layer as to why black chicks cleave so steadfast to dating amongst their own race. All the these notions and experiences combine to perpetuate the segregation of black women and Western men. In contrast to what Chilli wants, I see why the segregation and taboo exists. For those less acceptable blacks, the color divide has a greater impact. Only people that don't want to look at the whole story can superficially write the whole taboo off as completely stupid or unfounded. Until people are willing to open up and have honest dialogue about racial relations, our observations, and cultural perceptions, many relationships will remain taboo.Good or bad, right or wrong, it just is what it is.
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